Legs up in the Air
One day a stammer saw a prostitute and asked f-i-n-e girl how much for a
night? and the girl replied saying $5000, it provoked the man and he
asked for how many years?
One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles
lying dead with its legs up in the air. She asked, "Daddy, Daddy why is
Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way
Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next
day when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy,
Daddy, Mommy almost died today." Flustered, her father said, "Honey what
happened?" And Susie said, "Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and
she was screaming 'Oh Jesus I'm coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for
the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner.
Weight Watching
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom.
Finally
one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy , every night I hear
you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and
down on him".
His mom is taken by suprise and says "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The little boy says, That won't work"
His Mom says, "WHY?"
Mommy's Washcloth
The little boy replies "Because the lady next door comes over, after you leave, and blows him back up!!"
There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day
the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked his mother
what was the hair in between her legs? She responded, "It's my
washcloth". Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy
walked in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the
doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother: "What
happened to your washcloth?" The mother responded, "I lost it".
The
little boy trying to be helpful set out to find his mother's washcloth.
A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and
screaming, I found your washcloth, the mother thinking that the child
was just playing went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find
it?" The boy answered, "The maid has it and she is washing daddy's face
with it."
Sex Therapist
Two best friends are having lunch one day and the 1st best friend says
she is having trouble with her sex life with her husband. Her friend
tells her that she was having trouble too, and that they went to a sex
therapist and now it's greater than ever.
The 1st best friend
asks what the advice was. She replies that the therapist told them to go
to a grocery store, purchase peanuts and doughnuts, go home, and sit
naked across from each other on the floor. Everytime he gets a peanut in
her vagina, he has to get it out with his mouth. Everytime she rings a
doughnut around his penis, she has to get it off with her mouth.
The
1st best friend is intrigued and decides to take her husband to the
same therapist. The therapist told them that there was nothing he could
do for their sex life. She begged and pleaded asking if there was
anything they could do.
He finally said to go to the grocery store, buy some apples and cheerios
Little Timmy
Little Timmy hears rustling in his parents' bedroom. So he pushes open
the door to find his dad upon his mom going at it. They both look at
Timmy but finish what they're doing. When they finish Dad says he'll
take care of it.
He goes to Timmy's room and opens up the door to find Timmy on top of Grandma. Dad says "Timmy what the hell are you doing?"
Timmy replies "Ain't so damn funny when it's YOUR mother now is it?"
A Neighbour's Party
Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when
he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought
50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so
isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the
grocery store only once a month.
After six months of near total
isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big
bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, "Names Enoch...your
neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party
Saturday...thought you'd like to come."
"Great," replies Sam. "After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me."
As
Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be
some drinkin'." "Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper
business, I can drink with the best of them."
Again, as he
starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fighting',
too." Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with
people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again,
Enoch turns from the door, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties,
too." "Now that is not a problem," Sam says. "I've been up here all
alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says... "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there."
Biting Breasts
An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He
turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she
does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So
the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again,
"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"
She
thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just
once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As
soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling
them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but
not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"
